Let’s talk about sex. I bet you started bopping to Salt n Peppa’s awesome tune, right?…
Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be...
But, seriously, let’s talk about it for a quick sec.
Let me start out by saying that I do not pretend that my experience represents all women, but I have been roaming around on the planet for 62 years, and largely in the company of women. And in my experience, when we talk about sex, we aren’t really talking about sex. We talk about that we had it, or it was good, or how many times. But almost never, ya know, about what happens.
Always a source of fascination because it’s so incredibly private, my interest in this area has been piqued recently because I’ve been reading Sex Points: Reclaim Your Sex Life with Revolutionary Multi-point System, by Bat Sheva Marcus. I’ve reached a point in my life where my libido has plummeted and I’m not ready to accept that as my fate for the next few decades. My issue is specifically menopause-related, but the book is not, so I’ve been reading about all the ways that things can go haywire, sexually.
Having received my sex education in the 70’s from The Happy Hooker, and public school, both of which place a heavy emphasis on male ejaculation, I, like many women have muddled my way through to a more or less satisfying sex life. That’s in spite of so many Cosmo articles all about how to be wild in bed, how to give a really good blow job, what a man wants in bed, and then, nothing for women. However, I discovered through Sex Points that nearly three quarters of women do not achieve orgasm from vaginal penetration! I’d say that we’ve REALLY received some bad intel.
Well, unless you consider foreplay. Just the word gives me pause. By definition, foreplay implies this is the opening act, the also-ran, but definitely not the main event. There’s foreplay and then there’s sex. Language shapes how we think and I think there’s more than a little wrong with that language. And does anybody even use that language anymore? That may be dated 80’s lingo.
But, I’m sure you’ve heard about women faking orgasm, I mean, have you seen When Harry Met Sally? That makes a lot of sense in light of the FACT that most women aren’t getting off that way anyway. Who wants to prolong an activity that’s not living up to the hype? It’s nice, but after a while, if nothing’s happening for you, the inner voice starts saying “let’s get this show on the road”, right? Maybe neither men nor women actually knew there was more to it than the traditional whambamthankyoumaam.
What turned my sex life from good to great was one book - He Comes Next (now under a new title) by Ian Kerner. When I read this book, my imagination was unleashed, and for me, sex is all in my head...at least at first. In this book, Kerner educates his readers in the anatomy of the male body - putting me squarely in the driver's seat, which I love! After a solid anatomy lesson, he taught me how to ask for what I wanted. And he taught me how to make it fun! I couldn’t imagine myself asking my lover to do this, and then do that, and then do this - that felt too demanding. But I totally got into relaying my fantasies about what I wanted, and that got us both excited - see how that works? It’s my understanding that his really big success was She Comes First, and that one is written for people who want to make love with women. Each book focuses on the anatomy of the other (cis)gender.
This learning fits right into a teaching of long ago, from Landmark Education - that men want to please women. When I first heard that, my whole class erupted in derisive laughter. But, it’s pretty true in my experience. It seems they want to, but they just don’t know how, and we seriously find that hard to believe! Once again, we’re reminded that our partners can’t read our minds- no matter how much they love us. They have to be told apparently. So, I’m willing to be specific about what I want for my birthday, and what I want in bed. We’re both happier that way.
In conclusion, I heartily recommend both of these books to all of you, especially if you have issues of a sexual nature or even if you don’t, because you don’t know what you don’t know. If you had a chronic malfunction of any other part of your body, you’d seek help, right? There is a plethora of literature available on this topic now, and I’m encouraging you to check it out. For women my age, and any age actually, that have sexual issues, please begin with Sex Points. Imagine a nice Jewish grandmother talking to you about chicken soup and sex toys.
Ladies, all the ladies,
Louder now, help me out
Come on, all the ladies
Let's talk about sex, all right!